Self-Mothering and Self-Fathering – Becoming Your Own Parent
The concepts of self-mothering and self-fathering were coined by Peter Walker in his book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving – A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma.
When I was sorting through and processing my own experiences of childhood neglect and rebuilding myself, these terms arrived at exactly the right moment. They became powerful tools for learning how to parent myself.
Self-mothering is the nurturing, caring side – offering unconditional love, compassion, and tenderness. Self-fathering is the protective, guiding side – setting boundaries, providing strength, and ensuring safety.
I started practicing inner dialogue by letting my ”inner self-mother” speak to me:
”It’s okay, my love. You messed up this time – and yes, you’ll probably mess up again. The main thing is to take care of your heart right now. Everything is alright. You’ll get back up because you want to. There’s no need to punish yourself. I’m here to nurture you.”
I stood by the window, giving space to this inner self-mother, allowing her to comfort and hold me.
Then I turned to my ”inner self-father”:
”I will protect you and guide you in setting boundaries. This time things went wrong because you weren’t paying attention. Forgive yourself and try again. I’ll show you how to protect yourself – I will never abandon you. Together, we’ll build strong boundaries and safety, and over time, you’ll feel more secure within yourself because of them.”
These two healing practices have become central in my work with clients who struggle with childhood neglect and abuse. It’s a gradual process, and it’s incredibly rewarding to witness someone begin to embrace and embody these inner aspects in their daily life.
We all carry these qualities within us – the nurturing mother and the protective father. They are waiting patiently for us to reconnect with them.
I currently have a few open slots in my schedule. If you’d like to explore these powerful tools together with me, feel free to reach out!
With kindness and respect,
Paloma Lev
